Delicious Ambiguity
by Jillian Ryn
Summary: Lily and Sirius bond over a Death Eater attack and he introduces her to a new world. One where Lily doesn't need to be perfect, where laughter is essential, and where James is quickly becoming the most important person in her life.Same Story, New Summary
1. The Importance of Nail Polish

Title: Delicious Ambiguity

Author: Jillian Ryn

Summary: After Lily escapes a death eater attack, her entire world changes. She and Sirius grow close and she realizes that she's been missing out on an entire world. As she and Sirius become friends, she realizes she's starting to develop feelings for another Marauder. James/Lily

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is God. She created all. And I love her for it.

Distribution: I would love for you to have it. Just let me know first. Thanks.

Author's Note: I realize that I should be working on Hidden. And I am. In fact, this is a way to get Hidden updated. I had writers block and so I just started writing. This is what came out. I hope you like it and I hope to have another chapter to Hidden up soon.

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_I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity._

Gilda Radner

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I used to think nail polish was important, like it mattered if my fingernails were apple-red or cherry-pink. Like it would some how alter the fabric of the universe. I would spend hours debating the colors with my best friend.

It was imperative that I always sat at the right table and smiled at the right people. I lived my entire life within the stone walls of the castle, ignorant to what was going on in the world outside. The war was a distant problem that I would never have to deal with and didn't understand. And besides, they would catch that psycho soon enough and this would all be over.

I was an idiot.

You learn that pretty quickly when you're shoved against a wall with a wand pressed against your throat. A white mask is all I can see. A white mask and crystal blue eyes with flecks of silver. The fact that they're gorgeous eyes flashes through my mind, right before I feel his hot breath against my cheek and feel the bile rising in my throat.

Sirius Black is next to me on the floor, he's breathing. Thank god. So many people aren't. They took his wand away, but they didn't kill him. He's a Black after all. I'm not. I'm a muggle-born. A mudblood. I don't know why I'm still alive. Black's hand is red and swollen and I'm sure that it's broken. But he'll live. I wonder if I will.

I feel something hot run across my lips and I realize that it must be blood. I try to figure out why my nose is bleeding. And I remember. Blue-Eyes slapped me so hard my neck cracked. My cheek is still hot from the impact and my jaw has a constant throbbing. It's like a pulse. Slower than the one I can feel racing through my body. I wonder if the man in front of me can hear my heart beating against my chest. I hope he can't. I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

After all, he's not that scary. Well, except when he looks at me like that. Like he's imagining a dark alley, muffled screams, and torn clothing. Then he's fucking terrifying.

I should be scareder. More scared? Does grammar matter anymore? Probably not. His eyes are running up and down my body and I feel a scream grow in the pit of my stomach, but I hold it back.

I refuse to scream. When they all popped into the room, I screamed. Everyone screamed. And the screaming hasn't stopped since. It's every where, and I refuse to add to it. One scream was all they got from me. It's all they'll ever get from me.

Women are crying. All around me I hear sobs. And pleading. Bargaining and tears. Grown men on their knees begging for their lives and in the middle of it all I see Mr. and Mrs. Potter, standing straight. Staring into the face of the monster, himself. They're going to die. That's why the Death Eaters are here. That's why He's here. To kill them or to torture them for information. Either way, they're going to die. And yet they stand perfectly still in the center of the storm.

I feel my back straighten and I raise my eyes to meet the Death Eater in front of me.

I've never been a beggar. And I'm too God Damn angry to cry.

Sirius moves on the floor next to me and the man with the deep blue eyes kicks him in the head. He doesn't move again.

I wonder if James is here. I hadn't seen him since we received our awards. I hope he's alive. He's probably not.

Blue-eyes runs his hand down my side, taking his time. I can't see his lips, but his eyes tell me he's smirking. His long fingers stop at my hips and his hand runs behind my back and pulls my body towards him.

I spit on him. It misses his eyes and hits the white mask. But I make my point. He slaps me again. This one so hard the room spins and I have to hold the wall to keep from collapsing to the floor.

I refuse to fall to the floor, until I'm dead or unconscious. I don't want to think about what will happen if I'm unconscious.

He drags me up again and thrusts me against the wall, his long bony fingers wrapped tightly around my throat. He's squeezing. I can feel my pulse beat franticly against his fingers, trying to escape. I grasp at his hand, trying desperately to pry his fingers away from my neck. I kick and flail. I scratch his arms, leaving angry red lines behind. It doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. His blue eyes are still smirking at me.

I don't give up. I refuse to give up.

My world is still swimming from the slap and the lack of oxygen is not helping. I look straight into his eyes as I feel the world dimming. I wonder if the last thing I'll ever see is his smirking blue eyes and the evil of that white mask. And I think about how much time I wasted picking out nail polish.

TBC

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Author's Note: I hope you liked it. I pretty much read it over once and then posted it, so there's sure to be some mistakes. Please review and tell me what you think. Honestly. Cause I can take it. Please, please, please review. If you all like it, they'll be an update in a few days.


	2. Permanently Stained

Chapter Two: Permanently Stained

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_In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer_.

Albert Camus.

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I opened my eyes and saw stars. Not the Bug Bunny kind, the real kind. I saw Orion and Sirius. Not the star, the boy. He was standing over me and I could see the huge gash above his right eyebrow. It was a deep, jagged, dark red line that spidered out across his forehead. I wondered if he would have the scar the rest of his life.

Then I wondered what the hell I was doing outside. The confusion must have shown on my face, because Black leaned closer to me and whispered, "We're outside the hall," he paused, "Triage."

I nodded my head and stopped as a sharp black pain ripped through my mind, "The Potters? Are they alive?"

"Yes. They were Crucioed, but they're fine. Or they will be. They're pretty tough."

I sighed, relived, "James too?"

"James is fine. He wasn't here."

Suddenly, I felt like sobbing. Like crying and not stopping until I'm back in my warm bed at Hogwarts. I tried to hold it back, knowing once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. A deep sob escaped anyway. My shoulder shook and my breath was ragged. And to my surprise, Sirius wrapped his big arms around me and held me until me the shaking stopped.

He was crying too. Not the deep sobs that were escaping my throat with out my permission, but the silent tears of someone who had been through too much. Seen too much.

Sirius Black was crying. I think that's when it hit me. That this wasn't a nightmare. This wasn't a horrible dream or something I'd imagined. This had happened. We had been attacked. I had seen people die. A lot of people.

A Death Eater had wrapped his arms around me and looked at me with hungry eyes.

I had almost died.

As I was wrapped up in Sirius arms, my hands tangled in his long black hair, I realized I would never be the same again. And neither would he.

We weren't close, Black and I. We weren't friends. We were acquaintances. We had the same classes. We lived in the same house, but we were worlds away. I knew him and he knew me. He was a Beater, he was good at transfiguration, he liked Every Flavor Beans and Wizards Chess. But I had no idea who he was and he didn't have a clue who I was.

Until now.

It's amazing how much you can learn about a person without saying a word.

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Ten minutes later, a Ministry official came over to us and explained what had occurred. _Occurred,_ what a bland word. A safe word. A word completely absent of the image of twenty men in white masks and dark robes. Completely devoid of the noise a body makes when it hits the ground or a woman screaming because her child is staring up at her with dead eyes. What a perfect word. I'm fairly certain I'll never use it again.

The ministry official had on a crisp white shirt and a sensible blue tie. I stared at his clean white shirt the entire time he spoke to us. It seemed so out of place. It didn't belong with the horrors of tonight. It didn't belong with the blood and the screams. It did belong with those bright green flashes that would have been beautiful, if you didn't know what they meant. What they destroyed.

I wanted to smear dirt across that crisp white shirt. Something deep inside of me wanted to destroy the pureness, the cleanness of it. I wanted to wipe my blood stained hand across his front pocket and leave it stained. Permanently marred. That pureness didn't belong here anymore. I couldn't understand it anymore. That kind of white didn't exist in this world any longer. Not since the war. I hated that shirt. I hated that man. How dare he walk through the smoke in that shirt? How dare he step over the dead bodies with their open, unseeing eyes in that shirt? That clean white shirt.

His voice was just as crisp as his shirt as he explained the night's events. The Death Eaters had set off a secret alarm and it took the Aurors five minutes to burst through the charms to get into the hall.

I tried to correct him.

Five minutes was ridiculous. We weren't in there for five minutes. We were in there for hours. Maybe even days. There was no way that much life could have ended in the span of five minutes. However, when I voiced my opinion he assured me that he was correct. It took the Aurors five minutes to break the curses on the doors. It took five minutes to kill thirty people. It took five minutes to turn my world upside down. Five minutes to completely change who I was and what I believed in. _Five minutes_.

"As the Aurors entered the Hall, they witnesses the Death Eaters disapparating," the man said as he looked through his clipboard full of papers, indifferent to the horror that was going on around him.

"You mean they all escaped," Sirius asked, his voice was cold and dark. I wrapped my arms tighter around his waist.

"Yes," the man's voice was sharp and passionless. He continued without explanation, "An Auror will be over later to take your statement. After this occurs, you will be transported to the hospital. You will remain there until the break is over and then you will floo immediately into the headmaster's office. In the mean time, you will discuss these events with no one. Especially not the press. This is a highly confidential case and your discretion is imperative. Do you understand?"

I nodded my head and I felt Sirius's do the same on top of mine.

The thick man with the crisp white shirt and the crisp white voice nodded and asked us to sign a paper and left.

We were silent for a moment until I asked, my voice still raspy, "So, what were you doing here?"

"What?" Sirius said. I watched as his eyes slowly came to focus on mine. It took longer than it should have. He was still back in the Hall. But then again, so was I.

"Why were you at the banquet? It's for the top ten seventh year students. I didn't think you were in the top ten of our class?"

His smirk stopped my shivering. It was familiar and comforting. It was Hogwarts. "I'm not, but James is."

"I don't understand?"

"I'm family." The words were so quiet I could barely hear them over the chaos that was going on around us. Mediwitches were moving from group to group fixing broken bones and mending gashes. People were searching frantically for family and friends. Women were crying. Men were yelling. And Sirius and I sat quietly in our corner refusing to let go of each other.

I looked around at the groups huddled together. I looked around for other Hogwarts students. I couldn't find any. Sirius and I had got off lucky.

"Why wasn't James here?" I asked. I had to keep my mind occupied. Solve the puzzle. Stop hearing the screams, the sobs, the pleading.

"He left right after the presentation. He has to go to work early in the morning. Tomorrow's his last day and he wanted to get enough sleep."

"James has I job?" I found myself asking. I didn't really care. It was only important that he was gone. That he was fine. That his goofy smirk would still be the same. That it wouldn't be haunted by a flash of green light and the deep thud of a body hitting the ground. A sound that I was sure would never leave my mind.

"Yeah," Sirius explained, his hands rubbing up and down my arms. It was helping, my body was finally starting to de-thaw. My mind was still frozen. "He works at a Summer Camp. He teaches underprivileged kids how to fly. It's actually not a bad job."

"Really?" I was surprised. But then again, I didn't know James at all, either.

"Yeah," Sirius turned his eyes away from me and pulled me closer at the same time, "I'm so grateful that he wasn't here. They would have killed him on sight. To get whatever it is that they wanted."

"Why aren't I dead?" the question slipped out before I had a chance to stop it.

"What?" Sirius asked, his head whipping back to meet my eyes.

"Why aren't I dead? I'm a muggle born. I should be dead. Why aren't I?" There was no panic, no desperation to my voice. It was a question, one I wasn't sure had an answer.

Sirius paused for a second and I watched his face as he honestly thought about my question. He looked at me, concern written across his face, "Honestly, I have no idea."

TBC…

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Author's Note: Hoped you liked it. Please review. Pretty, pretty please. Be honest. Tell me what you think.


	3. Laughing Anyway

Chapter Three: _Laughing anyway_.

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"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

Bob Newhart

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An Auror came and took our statements. Immediately afterwards, we were portkeyed to the Hospital. Sirius and I were separated somewhere in the shuffle. I hadn't stopped shaking since. It wasn't that I needed him there to protect me. It wasn't about protection. He was comforting. He was home. And he was proof that it all had really happened. He was proof that I had survived.

It surprised me how attached I had grown to him in the last three hours. Watching him fall unconscious to the floor had been one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd thought he was dead. I was sure I was next. Which part scared me more, I don't know.

I was tucked into a clean white hospital bed with my curtain drawn back. My door was pushed wide open and I could see nurses and mediwitches rushing past. The noise of the hospital was comforting. It was a distraction that kept my mind from slipping back into that Hall and those screams.

The doctors had told me that I was fine. I had had to drink a potion for my neck. It tasted like honey. But I didn't feel fine. I felt broken.

School began in two weeks, when I would be reunited with Hogwarts. Two weeks trapped in a white room with nothing but the noise of the hospital to comfort me. I wasn't allowed a newspaper. I couldn't read the Prophet. I didn't even know if the attack had been reported. And if it had been, I didn't know what had been said. I wasn't allowed to use an owl and all the letters I received had already been opened.

There were only two students in the hospital besides Sirius and me. Three Snakes hadn't shown up for the presentation. I guess now we all know why. Remus was in the top ten, but his Aunt was sick again. One Hufflepuff was dead and one Ravenclaws. Both muggle born. Another boy from Ravenclaw was so badly injured that he wouldn't be returning to school.

There were thirty people dead in total. Thirty people gone in an instant. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. The Sanders were dead. So were the Langlies. Frank Toure, an Unspeakable, was dead. So was Stephanie Jance, a ministry official.

It was supposed to be a celebration. The top witches and wizards of our day were there to present our awards. Top ministry officials, famous writers, journalists, and Quidditch players. It was supposed to be one of the best nights of my life.

So much for supposed to.

I sighed and turned away from the door and closed my eyes. The cool blackness of rest was over taken by the smooth white of the Death Eaters mask and the beautiful green of the Unforgivable.

I opened my eyes and tried not to blink.

Ever again.

I was staring at the whiteness of the ceiling trying not to see that cool white mask in it, when I heard the knock on my door. I turned my head slowly, my neck still sore and found Sirius Black leaning smoothly against the door frame. He was wearing a hospital gown with tiny pink flowers on it. It was short, hitting him mid-thigh, showing off his strong hairy legs. His wound was healed, but the area was still an angry red and I could see the faint white scar where the gash used to be. He still looked devilishly cool.

"Nice fashion choice," I said with a smirk, slowly pulling my body up into a sitting position.

"Well, I try my best."

"You're such a fashionista," I agreed, my voice finally resembling its normal softness. "So, how'd you escape Nurse Ratchet?"

"First off, I don't really know what that means. Secondly, I'm a marauder. I have secret skills."

I laughed as he brushed imaginary dust off of his shoulders and gave me a wink. He came and sat on the edge of my bed and laid one of his big hands on my knee.

"So, how you holding up, Lily Evans?" he asked, his big grin fading.

"Peachy keen, jelly bean." My voice was somber and smooth.

"I thought you hated jelly beans?"

"I do."

He nodded his head and moved to lie down beside me. I smushed my self against the railing of the bed to give him more room. Once he settled down, I moved my head on to his shoulder.

"So, how are you really?" he asked as we both stared at the white ceiling.

"I just keep trying not to see his face. I just can't seem to get out of that room. I don't want to be in that room anymore. I don't want to be in that room ever again."

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean." We were both silent for a moment and then he sighed, "Have you slept yet?"

I laughed. It sounded hollow. I shook my head against his shoulder, "No. You?"

"No," he sighed again. I didn't like the sound of his sighs. They sounded like surrender. Surrender to what, I didn't know. "We should try to get some rest."

"I don't want to close my eyes. I keep seeing…" I paused, trying to explain what I saw. But I didn't need to, he understood.

"I know. Me, too. But I'm not going anywhere. Maybe if we go to sleep together, we'll dream of something else."

"Like what?" I asked, a harsh laugh filling my voice.

"Like Quidditch Cups and pranks," he said, and I could feel his small smile grow against my hair.

"Or chocolate frogs and snow flakes?" My words were hopeful. I liked the sound of it. It sounded unfamiliar and comforting.

"Yes. Or swimming in the lake in the fall and the fire in the common room?"

"Yeah," I said, picturing sitting in the oversized loveseat in the Gryffindor common room, the fire blazing in front of me. A content smile overcame my lips, "Or maybe reading a good book in the window seat of the library or running across a unicorn on the grounds."

"Well, I don't really read and unicorns aren't all that manly, but that will work for you," he with a teasing poke to my stomach. I laughed. A real laugh. Full and loud coming from deep inside my stomach. It made my throat burn, but I enjoyed the pain.

It was the first moment that I realized that this pain would fade. Sirius's scar would disapear. And we would both be stronger because of it. And eventually this would be nothing more than a memory. Nothing but a moment in time.

I smiled and closed my eyes, "I bet you dream of unicorns."

He leaned over and placed a feather light kiss on my temple. I could feel the smile tugging at his lips.

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I was woken by a shrill, unfamiliar voice. I bolted up in bed, my wand unconsciously pointed at the neck of the woman in front of us. Sirius was sitting in bed next to me, his wand pointed at her heart.

Okay, so we were a little edgy. We have the right to be.

"Mr. Black, Ms. Evans. This is extremely inappropriate. I don't care what the two of you do outside the walls of this hospital, but there will be none of this under my watch," her sharp black eyes looked back and forth between the two of us, frowning with disapproval. She huffed, "The two of you should be ashamed."

I had enough mind to blush and nod, but Sirius wasn't even looking at her. He was too busy staring at the boy behind the woman.

"Prongs!" Sirius exclaimed, throwing off the blanket and leaping to the floor.

"How'd you get in here? I thought we weren't allowed visitors?" Sirius asked as he pulled his best friend into a bear hug.

"I'm a marauder. I have my ways." James said with a smirk at Sirius and a wink towards me. I couldn't help it. I cracked up laughing. James and Sirius really were separated at birth.

James looked at me with a smirk and walked around the nurse. He raised an eyebrow, "What's so funny, Lily?"

Sirius was laughing, too, and the sound of his deep snort made me laugh even harder. It felt amazing to laugh. I laughed so hard, tears escaped out of my eyes. My stomach ached and my throat burned, but I didn't want to stop.

The nurse shook her head at us and left. Telling James, "Come get me when you are ready to return to your parents room," as she walked out the door.

I stopped laughing, so did Sirius.

"How are they?" Sirius voice was quiet, his arms crossed protectively across his chest.

"They're fine. They'll be released tonight," he paused, "This isn't their first Quidditch match, you know." He shot me a carefree smirk. But I knew he was worried. I could see it in his eyes. 'What ifs' were clouding his thoughts. But he smiled anyway. He really was brave.

Sirius uncrossed his arms and slung one around James's shoulder. His grin finally returning. I smiled, too.

We were all scared. We were all worried. But we smiled anyway.

James smiled his big goofy grin. His eyes went from me to Sirius and back again. He wiggled his eyebrows at Sirius, "Even in the hospital, you're a ladies man. I don't know how you can work your magic in that gown. You really are my hero."

I laugh loudly and say, "Well you know, Sirius is quite the catch. I thought I should bag him now while he's still on pain killers and doesn't know what's going on. Maybe I can even get him to propose."

Sirius turned to me, his brown eyes wide with mock surprise as he sat on the bed, "Lilikins," I rolled my eyes, "I didn't know that's what you wanted. All you have to do is ask and I'm yours. Forever." He batted his eyelashes as he crawled towards me on the bed. His face was above mine as he leaned slowly forward for a kiss, his smirk firmly in place.

I let his nose touch mine before I pushed his head away and glared at him, a smile tugging at my lips, "Not in front of James. After all, I have a reputation to maintain."

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked, he frowned and jutted out his lower lip.

"That means I can't be seen with you. You would ruin my good name. You're a manwhore."

James let out one loud laugh at this and sat at the edge of the bed. "Lily Evens, you are not at all who I thought you were."

"Yes, well. That's probably because I'm not the same person I was yesterday." I said it with a crooked smile and an arched eyebrow, but it was the truth. I wasn't that girl anymore. That girl with the perfect hair and the perfect smile. And the perfect life. I didn't know what perfect was anymore. I didn't think it existed.

"Well, that might have something to do with it."

I smiled at James and turned my face to see Sirius still pouting.

"I'm not a man whore. Am I James?"

"Only a little," he promised.

We were laughing. We shouldn't have been. Less than twenty-four hours ago we had been staring death in the face and now we were giggling like schoolgirls. Someone walking by would never have known what we had just been through.

Twenty hours and thirty seven minutes ago, I was surrounded by screams and bright green flashes.

Twenty hours and thirty two minutes ago, I staring into blue eyes that were filled with hatred and lust as a man slowly tried to kill me. He wanted to enjoy my death. He wanted to feel the life go out of me and watch as hope slowly flickered out of my eyes.

Twenty hours and twenty five minutes ago, I woke up surrounded by people who were screaming for loved ones they'd never again see alive.

Five hours ago, I was staring at a white ceiling, trying desperately not to close my eyes.

A human being can only take so much.

So I laughed.

I laughed hard. And for the first time in twenty hours and thirty seven minutes, I didn't hear the sound of screams echoing in my mind. Instead, I heard the deep laughter of Sirius and the carefree chuckle of James.

James and Sirius bantered back and forth as I lay silently on my side in the bed, watching their exchange. I smiled as Sirius playfully punched James's shoulder.

Sirius had his arm around me, his fingers absently rubbing a soothing pattern on my shoulder. His arms were big and strong, Beaters's arms. He fit his name, his eyes were as dark as his hair. He was laughing and I could feel the vibrations against my skin. He was a big teddy bear. A family dog that slept loyally at your feet. We were connected now and I knew that I would never be able to shake him. Not even if I wanted to. Though I couldn't imagine a person who wouldn't want Sirius Black as a friend.

James's hair was wavy and wild, occasionally falling into his eyes. He would brush it away without noticing. He smiled wide and freely and I again found myself grateful that he wasn't in the Hall. Wasn't effected by what had happened. His arms stretched high above his head as he yawned and he gave me a wink.

I smiled back and closed my eyes, laying my head on Sirius's shoulder. I listened to their voices as I drifted to sleep. The words didn't matter. It was the tone that was comforting. The smile that peeked through their words. The promise that everything would all be alright that lilted through Sirius's deep voice. The whisper of long adventures under the cover of night that hid just below the surface of James's words as the pair joked back and forth. My smile never left my lips as I drifted to sleep.

TBC…

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Author's Note: Hoped you liked it. Does everything make sense? I'm not sure that it does? Please tell me what you think and ask any questions that you have and I'll try to address them. Also, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my reviewers. You guys have been more that amazing. Thank you so much. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter too. Please review!


	4. Empty Footsteps

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to DanceDiva. Thank you for being such an amazing reviewer. You make me want to write better and more often. Thank you. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Also, I realized that this chapter is really short. But the next one will make up for it.

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Chapter Four: Empty Footsteps

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Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance.

Rabindranath Tagore

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I woke to find the boys right were I had left them. Except, instead of joking about Quidditch and the female population of Hogwarts, they were completely unconscious. Sirius had a bit of drool escaping his mouth and James was curled into what appeared to be an extremely uncomfortable position at the bottom of the bed. His knees were pressed against his chest and his head was leaning against the metal railing of the bed. I winced, he was going to hate me in the morning.

I glanced at the clock. Four thirty a.m. Almost a full night's sleep. I thought about waking the boys, but decided against it. Sleep was hard to come by and they needed their rest. I took a sip of water from my nightstand and settled back into bed.

The hospital was quiet. Quieter than I'd ever heard it. The only noise that reached my ears was the slow breathing of the two boys in my bed and the steady whirl of something just outside my room. I listened closely to the noise, but couldn't place it. It was unfamiliar, but comforting and I closed my eyes.

I felt the familiar calm of a dream begin to overtake me when I heard it.

The sound of a footstep down the hall. My eyes flashed open. My heart started pounding against my chest.

I told myself that it was just a nurse. Just a Mediwitch. But it didn't matter, didn't help. My body refused to pay attention to my brain. My heart was pounding out a harsh rhythm trying to break free. I strained my ears to hear above the steady whirling outside and the soft breath of Sirius and James.

For what felt like hours, I listened for another footstep and heard nothing. My heart slowly stopped racing. The muscles in my back began to relax. The breath I'd been holding escaped. And I closed my eyes.

Then I heard it again. The empty sound of a foot hitting marble. A hollow sound, one that sent a chill racing down my spine.

I shot up, sitting straight. My back as rigid as the headboard behind me. I cocked my head to the side, listening. My mind raced. I repeated to myself that it was nothing. It was just a hospital worker. I was being irrational. But my body wouldn't listen. My fist was clenched around my wand, held firmly by my side. The footsteps were steady now. Coming towards my room.

My door was closed. Who ever it was would have to open the door to come in. That was a comforting thought. Or they could just blow it off its hinges. Not so comforting. I held my breath, listening. Click. Click. Click. Nearer and nearer.

My hand was shaking from grasping the wand so tightly.

Images of the Hall flashed through my mind as the footsteps came closer. The feeling of long bony fingers wrapped tightly against my throat. The feeling of gasping for air as the world dimmed around me. The way my skin crawled as he drew his hand slowly down my side, his eyes smirking, leering.

And I remembered that they had escaped. All of them. The Ministry had no idea who they were. No idea where they were. Death Eaters could work at the hospital. They could go to Hogwarts. The man with the cool blue eyes and the long fingers could be slowly walking down the hall, looking for room 318.

My body began to shake. With anger or fear, I don't know. The footsteps were just a few doors away now. He was coming closer.

I tried to think of a plan. What I would do if the door opened. If I saw the smooth white of a mask or the clear depths of those blue eyes. But my mind wouldn't focus. I couldn't think of a plan. Couldn't rein my mind in from the panic. All I could do was grasp my wand and listen to the sound of the footsteps as they neared my door.

And there they were. The noise clearer than ever, just outside my door. He paused and I raised my wand. Preparing for a fight. I didn't wake the boys. I don't know why. Nothing I was doing was rational. I was working off of pure fear. Instinct and Adrenalin.

I held my breath. My mind silent for the first time since I heard the click of a shoe against marble. And I waited.

I waited for a noise. For a single sound. For a clue to who was outside my door.

There was no noise. No sound. No clue. The silence seemed to stretch on into an abyss.

There was nothing but me and that man outside that thin piece of wood. The only thing that separated me from whatever stood outside my door was an inch of oak. An inch.

The man stood outside. Silent. Waiting. I could do nothing but listen for the slightest noise and watch for the door handle to move. To twitch.

The constant whirl and the slow breath of Sirius were deafening. I didn't move. I didn't breath. I could do nothing but sit and wait for a noise. Wait for a sign.

And then I heard it. A footstep. My body jerked at the noise. A footstep walking away. The click, click, click growing fainter as the person walked slowly down the hall. Away from my room. Away from me.

I had overreacted. More than that, I'd come close to having a panic attack. Or hexing a perfect stranger.

I placed my wand onto the table, my hand still shaking. But now it was from anger. Anger at myself. I slowly lowered my head into my hands and ran my fingers through my hair.

I gave a harsh sigh and felt tears prickling at the back of my eyes. My body was shaking and I was furious at myself. For being so terrified at nothing.

It was probably a healer checking my chart. Or another patient who couldn't sleep and who had gone for a walk and needed a break outside my door.

My back was tight with anxiety and my breathing was raged. I collapsed into the bed and shoved my face into the pillow and screamed. The muffled sound did nothing to release the tension flowing through my stiff body.

James opened his eyes at the end of the bed. His wild hair stuck up in every direction and he couldn't quite keep his eyes open. "You okay, Lils?" His voice was filled with concern, "Cause I can get up if you need me to."

"No," I said, faking a smile. He looked so cute and tired at the edge of the bed, I couldn't bring myself to disturb him. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

"Okay," and his eyes were closed before his head hit the bed.

But I wasn't fine. Far from it. And I knew it would be a long time until I was anywhere near fine again. I was scared. About the future. About the past.

I was not fine. The sound of footsteps sent me into a panic. The white ceiling conjured up images of Death Eaters. Looking at my own eyes in the mirror reminded me of the Killing Curse. I was not fine. No where near it.

James jerked up in bed again. His hair wild and his shirt rumpled. "Are you sure you're okay? Because it's okay if your not." His eyes were barely open, but I knew he was awake. I knew he was completely sincere.

The concern in his half open eyes slowed my still racing heartbeat and relaxed the tight muscles in my back.

I smiled a ghost of a smile at him. I didn't want to lie to James. To his honest eyes. So all I said was, "Thanks You." I settled back into the bed and closed my eyes. And I felt the weight at the end of the bed shift and I knew he had returned to his uncomfortable position.

I might not be fine. In fact, I might be broken. But at least I had two boys who would be there no matter what. It was a new feeling. To know that I had people who would do anything for me. Who were watching out for me.

I had spent less that a day with Sirius and James. Less than a day. And most of that time had been spent asleep or unconscious. And yet I already felt closer to them than anyone in the entire world.

I had never had someone I could count on completely. It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling. I liked it.

"Night Lils," James mumbled through his pillow. It was the last thing I heard as I drifted slowly to sleep. The worries of moments ago had disappeared. They had been consumed by the feeling of absolute trust I felt for the two boys sleeping next to me.

TBC.

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Author's Note: Once again I realized it is really short. The next chapter will be long enough to make up for it. I promise. I hope you liked this chapter. I don't know if I'm happy with it or not. Please review and tell me what you think.


	5. A Game with Unknown Rules

Chapter Five: A Game with Unknown Rules

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"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

Mark Twain

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The sound of hushed laughter crept through my mind as I lay in bed. It was still dark and my eyes refused to open. But I heard it again. Sirius's snort being smothered by a hand. And I knew what was coming. I knew I had better get up soon or the boys could not be held accountable for their actions.

I slowly opened one eye and saw them huddled down at the edge of my bed. Whispering. Never a good sign when it came to the Gryffindor seventh years.

"What are you two up to?" I ask, rolling over on to my back. My voice was raspy. From sleep or pale bony fingers, I didn't know. I pulled myself into a sitting position. My body ached. But the familiar pain wasn't a remnant of the attack, but a symptom of sharing a tiny bed with two large boys. I rolled my neck around trying to loosen the tight kinks. I sighed, it was no use.

Fuzzy memories from last night crept into my mind. The sound of footsteps blurred with James's rumbled shirt and sleepy eyes. The memory of fear laced with panic. My wand pointed at a closed door and the sound of a muffled scream. It was all hazy and blurred together. Washed away by sleep. A flicker of a dream that turned out to be reality.

Everything was jumbled together. One feeling mixing with another. But I remembered the pure terror I felt. No matter how much I had laughed the day before. Now matter how much I pretended that I wasn't affected, I was. I was broken and I didn't know how to fix it.

Sirius and James laughed again as they glanced at me, their grins suspicious.

And I realized that these two boys were going to be the spell-o-tape that put me back together.

I smiled and tried relaxed. It was way too early in the mourning to have to deal with this. I would think about it later. Later, when my mind wasn't blurred by sleep and my body didn't ache.

Sirius and James were still conspiring at the end of my bed. Sirius's eyes were laughing and James was trying to keep a straight face. I wanted desperately to feel like that. To feel free. So I swept all my shattered pieces underneath an invisible rug in my mind and promised myself I would deal with it later.

James's black shirt was horribly wrinkled and one of his middle buttons had fallen off. His hair stuck up at wild angles and when he saw me looking at him, he ran his hand through the dark curls, making it even worse. I smiled at the familiar gesture.

Sirius's hair was perfect compared to the mess that sat atop James's head. The only sign that Sirius hadn't had a real shower in a day and a half was his five o'clock shadow. A look which seemed to fit him. Gruff and strong.

I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering what I looked like. It was wild. Crazy red hair frizzed out into a halo around my head. I was sure that I looked like Medusa. That or like my head had caught on fire. I ran my fingers through the long locks, trying to look presentable.

And then, I realized that I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I didn't care. James and Sirius were both deliciously handsome and they were in my bed. And I didn't give a shit what I looked like.

I didn't care that my hair looked like it was hosting a family of birds. Or that I didn't have a stitch of makeup on. Not even mascara. Not even lip gloss.

I didn't care what I looked like. It wasn't important. Not anymore.

I smiled at the boys. They grinned back, mischief and secrets clouding their eyes.

"And again I ask, what are you two up to?" I said as I pulled my long red hair into a ponytail. I felt the tips of the curly strands tickle me just below my shoulder blades. My hair was getting really long. Maybe I should cut it? It was time for a change after all.

A new hair cut for a new girl.

I was distracted from my haircutting plans by the look James gave me. It was an arched eyebrow and a crooked smile. In that instant, I understood why many a girl at Hogwarts had cried herself to sleep over him.

"I don't know what you're talking about Lily. Sirius and I were just waiting for you to wake up," James paused and turned his best friend, "Weren't we."

Sirius looked at me, his eyes wide and innocent. A look that meshed with Sirius Black like oil mixed with water. "He's telling the truth Lils. We were just sitting her quietly, waiting for you to wake up. We're gentleman like that… Never wake the lady."

"Although, you sure are a late sleeper," James said to me, mock scandal twisting up his eyebrows, "Never took you for a lazy one."

"What time is it?" I asked, squinting at the watch on my wrist.

Sirius was the one to reply, a little too eagerly for my taste, "Twelve thirty. You've wasted half the day away. What ever are you going to do to make all that time up?"

"Sirius, I'm trapped in a hospital with you two dumb asses, it's not like I missed out on an important meeting." I answered and then realized why he sounded so eager. "Hey! Don't change the subject. I may have just woken up, but I'm not slow."

"That's all a matter of opinion, Ms. Evans," James said with a smirk.

I grabbed my pillow and threw it at him, my shoulder giving an unhappy twinge at the sudden movement. The pillow didn't have a chance to make an impact, what with his honed Chaser skills and all. He grabbed the pillow midair and peeked around it with a satisfied smirk.

"I'll have you know that I made Head Girl," I said with an equally satisfied smile, "So all opinions that matter agree with me. In fact, they seem to think that I'm rather brilliant."

Sirius flashed me a broad grin, "Really, Lil? That's fabulous. We'll have to sneak off to the tea room and celebrate. I'm sure Jamesy-boy here could smuggle us in something to make the drinks a little more festive. Right James?"

"I'm sure that it could be arranged," he said, his grin growing wider, "In fact, it shouldn't be a problem at all."

I rolled my eyes, already knowing that it was too late to argue with either of them. They had made up their mind. James and Sirius were going to get me drunk to celebrate the fact that I was a goodie-too-shoes. Something that would only make sense in their minds.

I sighed and the boys knew I had surrendered before the fight had even begun. They exchanged delighted faces with each other.

I rolled my eyes again and turned to the future smuggler, "James, make it tequila if you can." I smirked at their shocked faces, "Quervo preferably."

"My my my, Miss Evans. And here I thought we were going to corrupt you, only to discover that you had already been corrupted," James said, his eyes traveled up and down my body, as if he was reassessing me completely, "Is there anything else we should know about you?" He paused, a devilish smirk coming over his lips. His eyes were hopeful as he leaned forward, "Anything scandalous?"

I raised a single eyebrow at him, "Get me sloshed and maybe you'll find out."

Sirius broke into deep laughter and turned to James, "My, she's full of surprises, that one."

James nodded at Sirius. The boys turned to me, their faces wearing the same scrutinizing look. The same creased brow, the same pursed lips. Then they simultaneously cocked their heads to the side. James's wild curls touching the top of Sirius's calm black hair. I shook my head at them. They must have practiced that in the mirror.

I smiled at their antics and leaned back against my pillow, putting my hands behind my head. It helped calm the twinge in my shoulder. "So, do you guys know who Head Boys is? Did Remus make it?"

I watched as Sirius smile grew across his face, pressing dimples into his checks. He glanced towards James, towards me, and back to James. I looked at James expecting to find him sharing Sirius's wide grin. However, he refused to meet my eyes. Instead, he was staring at a loose thread at the bottom of his jeans. To say that I was confused was an understatement.

"Sirius, what's going on? Did Remus not get Head Boy?" I asked, confusion shading my voice.

Sirius reined in his broad smile and purposefully pulled his face into a frown. He tried to force his face to remain serious, but his smile wouldn't go away. He cleared his throat and said, "No. No, Remus didn't get Head Boy."

My eyes went wide. "Oh no. It's not Snape is it? I'll kill myself if I have to work with that slimy git."

"Wow, I didn't know you felt that way about Snivilus. I thought he was a decent guy who we shouldn't hex?" James said looking up from his very interesting thread for the first time since his eyes had landed on it.

"Yes. Well, that was then, this is now." My voice wasn't harsh or bitter. It was sad and disappointed.

"What does that mean?" James asked.

"It means that Snape's ranked as the number three student in our class. I didn't see him at the banquet. Did you?" I let the question hang in the air.

It was the first time we had mentioned the Attack out loud today. It was the first time we had acknowledged it. I shouldn't have brought it up. I shouldn't have said anything, because now I could see the scenes of last night flashing in Sirius's dark, clouded eyes. I could read the worry on James face. And the screams had returned to echo through my mind. We were all trying to avoid it. Trying to have a single moment when those five minutes did not rule our lives. And I had ruined it. For all of us.

The room was silent for a full minute, each of us refusing to look into each other's eyes. Afraid of what we'd find there.

Finally, Sirius broke the silence, "So, does that mean we get to hex him without you yelling at us?"

I rolled my eyes at him, but I was relieved. Sirius was excellent at shattering tension. "Well, just don't do it in front of me. I'm Head Girl after all. And I can't be giving you special treatment just because were having a secret love affair."

"That's true," Sirius said, nodding gravely.

James had a huge smile stretched across his face and his hazel eyes were sparkling. I'm sure that it had everything to do with the fact that I had basically given him permission to torture his worst enemy. He leaned back on the bed, his hands behind his head, "Does that mean I can ask you out without you cursing me?" His eyes were dancing with laughter.

James had had a crush on me in fifth year. A crush that had been quite embarrassing, because it usually led to him asking me out at the most inopportune moments. Although I never really could tell if he was joking or not. Even now, as I watched his hazel eyes dance with just suppressed laughter, I couldn't tell if his fifth year crush was serious. Or if he was just playing an elaborate game. One in which I didn't know the rules.

"Ha, Ha," I said, a slight blush creeping over my cheeks at the memory his words conjured up, "I thought you got over that the beginning of sixth year?"

"I don't know how anyone could ever get over you, Evans," he said with teasing smile that warmed his hazel eyes.

"Yes, well, that's true," I rolled my eyes, "But then there's Tadd to think about. Not to mention my secret love affair with Sirius. I don't really think I could handle three boys at once. Besides, Sirius really is the jealous type and I wouldn't want to ruin your friendship."

Neither boy laughed at my joke. I was slightly upset. I had thought it was rather funny.

"Are you still going with that ass?" Sirius asked, a frown marring his face.

"Yes," I said with a sigh, "And simply being in Ravenclaw does not make him an ass."

Sirius paused and pretended to think about what I had said. He put his fist mockingly up to his chin and stared into the distance. "Actually, it does," was his final conclusion.

I rolled my eyes at him and decided to change the subject. Sirius and James were loyal to the core. They would never think of Tadd as anything but the enemy. "You never did tell me who the Head Boy is."

Sirius turned to James and again broke into laughter. It was deep and booming and it pushed the memories of the Hall farther back into my mind.

I glance at James for a clue as to what was so funny and found him staring intensely at his loose thread once again.

"These boys are mental," I mumbled to myself.

I watched Sirius with mild concern as he continued his resounding laughter. He was clutching his side now and gasping for breath.

Mental. Totally mental.

Sirius finally managed to gain some self control and turned to James, "So, Jamesey-boy, want to tell Lils who the Head Boy is?"

James pulled his gaze away from his jeans to glare at Sirius. His face was only visible for a moment before he was staring at the bottom of his jeans again, but I was fairly certain that James Potter was blushing. I'd never seen James blush. Ever. In fact, up until now I'd thought it was physically impossible for James to feel embarrassed.

Sirius nudged James in the side, encouragingly. James returned the favor with an elbow to the stomach that knocked the wind out of Sirius.

I collapsed back into the pillows. This was going to take all day.

"Will one of you just tell me all ready. I don't see what the big deal is. If it's not Remus or Snape than it has to be Henry or Jack. And for the life of me, I can't see how that would bring Sirius to hysterics. So please, let me in on the joke." I pleaded to the boys, my impatience peeking through my voice.

James finally pulled his gaze away from the hem of his jeans and looked me straight in the eye. His eyes were unsure and nervous. Two other feelings I'd thought James was incapable of feeling. "No," he said, his voice quiet, "They're not Head Boy either."

"What?" confusion filled my voice, "That doesn't make any sense. That's all the seventh year prefects. Who else could it be?"

At first I didn't hear him, his voice was so quiet. Then I was sure I had heard him wrong. "What did you say?" I asked.

"Me. I'm the new Head Boy."

I stared at him, speechless. James Potter, Head Boy. I couldn't seem to make the four words connect. "No. You're joking."

"Lils," Sirius said, his voice matter of fact, "It wouldn't be a very good joke. Nobody would believe us."

I found myself nodding. I looked back at James and found that he was still watching me. His face filled with worry. Like I was going to start laughing in his face and tell him what a screw up he was.

What the hell was Dumbledore thinking? Clearly, he wasn't. What could James Potter possible bring to the Head Boy position? Well, except maybe a case of Dung Bombs.

I looked back at James and found him still watching me. His hazel eyes clouded with worry and hope. I'd never seen him look so vulnerable. So unguarded.

And suddenly I realized that I was wrong. I wasn't thinking about the James who was sitting at the edge of my bed. The James who had told me that it was okay if I wasn't okay. Because this boy was more than equipped to be Head Boy. All the doubt melted from my face, being replaced by a bright smile.

"Congrats, James. You deserve it." I said.

James blinked. "Thank you," he said. He brought his eyes up to meet mine. "I won't let you down." He said it like an oath. Like a promise that he would die before breaking.

"It never even crossed my mind." I said, flashing him a confident smile.

He didn't have the chance to respond because the door was pushed open and an unusually tall man walked in.

"Miss Evans?" he asked, and I saw James and Sirius tense. James hand had moved subtly over the pocket where his wand was.

"Yes?" I answered. My voice was controlled and even, but every muscle in my back was taunt and ready to fight.

"Mail," he replied and pulled out a roll of parchment. The seal was ripped in half from where the Ministry had checked it. Owls weren't allowed to fly around the hospital, so mail had to be delivered the muggle way.

I stood up slowly, ignoring the painful twinge in my neck. My eyes never left the stranger as I walked towards him. Every muscle in my body was prepared to run, prepared to fight, if he showed the slightest sign of hostility. If his hand went anywhere near his wand.

"Thank you," I said with a small smile taking the letter. My back was still tense. My even breath was forced.

As I watched him, my eyes carefully watching his fingers, looking for the slightest hint that he would reach for his wand, I wondered if I'd ever be normal again. I wondered if I would ever be able to trust a stranger again. If I'd ever not look behind my back as I walked down the street. If I'd ever be able to go out at night without straining my ears for the faint sound of footsteps or the undeniable pop of Apperation.

"Wait," Sirius said, jumping up from the bed, "Before you go, you got anything for Black. Sirius Black?"

The tall man shuffled around in his bag, looking for the letter. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that James's hand was still hovering right above his wand. He too had left the bed. His movement was silent and controlled. I was impressed. He really would make a great Auror one day.

The man handed Sirius a letter and quickly exited the room. It's only after we heard the soft click of the door that James finally dropped his hand and the muscles in my back began to unwind. Sirius collapsed back into the bed with a sigh. James turned to me with a light smile, "So, what'd you get?"

I stared at him for a second. How could he completely ignore our reaction? How could he pretend like nothing had happened? Like we all weren't all on edge? Weren't prepared for a fight? Did he not notice how my entire body went stiff or that he reached for his wand? Did he not see Sirius watch the man with careful eyes?

And then James gave me a small, pleading smile and I understood. He knew what had happened. He saw our reactions. But he couldn't deal with it right now. There was just too much. Too much pain. Too much worry. He couldn't handle another problem. And I realized that I couldn't either. So I ignored it, too. For now.

I answered him, "It's a letter from one of my friends, Becca. She's a Ravenclaw seventh year." I turned to the already open letter and read the small, loopy handwriting. It looked like a normal letter. Like a simple review of what she had done the last month of summer. It looked harmless.

It wasn't.

Sirius must have seen how my smile dropped away and how my green eyes clouded over, because he asked, "What does it say?"

"She's not coming back," I reply, my eyes already racing over the letter again.

"Coming back where?" James asked.

"To Hogwarts," I said, my eyes finally leaving the parchment. I let the letter fall to the floor. I felt my eyes prickle with tears. Tears I refused to let fall.

"What? Why?" James asked.

"She heard about the attack. She's decided it's not safe anymore." I explained. Becca had been one of my best friends. She was in a different house, so it was difficult. But we both had so much in common, were so much alike, that we managed to keep up our friendship. But I doubted it would be able to survive two separate schools.

Separate worlds really. She was leaving Hogwarts. She wouldn't graduate. Wouldn't be a wizard. We would be living in two different universes.

"Why would she do that? Is she crazy?" Sirius asked.

"She's muggle born," it was the only explanation I gave. It was the only explanation needed.

"What does that have to do with anything?" James asked, confusion written across his face.

"Are you daft?" I asked, "She's scared. This thing with Voldemort is a war. No matter what the ministry chooses to call it. It's a war. And it has been for a long time. And people are dying. Lots of people. Muggle borns and those who support them. And it's getting worse. She's scared, so she's not coming back."

"Just because one person— " I interrupted Sirius before he could finish.

"It's not just one person," I said, "Haven't you noticed. It's been happening for a while now. More and more students aren't returning and there are less and less first years. Muggle borns espeacially. And this is just the beginning."

"Well, I'm just glad the thought never crossed your mind," James said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Don't be too sure," I said, shaking my head.

"What?" Sirius's face showed his concern.

I took a deep breath, looking for the right words to explain how I felt. "I'd never really thought about the war. I mean, _really_ thought about it. It was something distant and foreign. Something that didn't really concern me. But still, it was there. In the back of my mind, it was there. _Every day_ it was there. And somewhere, deep inside me, I knew that I had to make a decision. I had to decide to stay or to run. And I'd always decided to stay. _Every day_ I decided to stay. Maybe because I didn't fully grasp what that meant. I didn't understand the consequences of that single action. Didn't comprehend the people I put in danger. Didn't understand that staying was picking a side. It was choosing to fight. It was becoming a soldier. I didn't understand that. But I do now," I paused, "I'd always had that choice in the back of my mind. The ability to run, to leave. Had the ability to choose what life I led. But I don't anymore. Not since the Hall. Not since the Attack."

"What?" James asked, "Wait, what does that mean? Does that me you're not coming back?" he turned to Sirius, "Does that mean she's not coming back to Hogwarts?"

"No. It means I don't have a choice anymore. It's been taken from me."

"Lily, what does that mean?" Sirius asked.

"It means that up until now, I've always had the chance to run. In the back of my mind, I knew if things every got to be too bad, I could run. I could leave this world behind. I could go back to my old life. Go back to being a muggle. That's not an option anymore. I can't run anymore."

The boys didn't understand. I didn't know if they could. But I tried my best to explain it. "I'm involved now. I'm part of the war. A man tried to kill me. I saw all those people murdered. And now I don't have a choice. I can't leave. I'd hate myself if I did. The minute that the Death Eater held his wand to my throat, my choice disappeared. I have to stay. I have to graduate. And one day, I'll have to fight."

I tried my best to explain it to them. I tried to explain that I was different now. My whole world was different now. And I couldn't leave. I couldn't be that weak. I couldn't walk away. No matter how bad it got now, I wouldn't leave. The man with the cool blue eyes had taken that choice away from me.

I didn't know whether to hate him.

Or to be grateful.

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TBC

Author's Note: Here's a Christmas Present for all of you. It's ten pages long. Wow. I think that's the longest chapter I've ever written. I hope you like it. And please review. Tell me what you think. I can't wait to hear from you. Review, review, review.


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